Fear is a feeling induced by perceived danger or threat that occurs in certain types of organisms, which causes a change in metabolic and organ functions and ultimately a change in behavior, such as fleeing, hiding, or freezing from perceived traumatic events. Fear may arise from a confrontation or from avoiding a threat, or it may come in the form of a discovery. Everybody wants the ability to introduce themselves to someone they find attractive. Yet many of us struggle with this endlessly.
We have “approach anxiety” so deeply rooted that no one else can help us conquer it. Because the only proven way to crush our fears are through our own experiences.
You need to show your brain that…
- You’re fully capable of approaching new people.
- Many of them will respond positively and want to meet you. Even when some aren’t interested, they’re often flattered and polite.
- Whatever happens, you will be just fine and stronger because of it.
A lot of people never learn to overcome approach anxiety because they believe they have to start with full approaches and full conversations. However, anything that pushes your comfort zone and gets you in front of new people is progress.
This is called systematic desensitization. Start with something easy that still gives your anxiety real-world exposure. Once you’re comfortable, increase the difficulty. Rinse and repeat until you’ve conquered your fear.
Look at the anxiety exercises below. Pick 1 or 2 that you think are doable but still challenging. Go out and do them for the next week. Hold yourself extremely accountable. Once you’ve accomplished that, move onto the next set of exercises.
Different methods will work for different people. So whatever works for you, do it. Just try them with people who intimidate you.
Remember, all these exercises are only meant to get you started. Be proud of every step you take. Don’t measure your success on whether or not you’re hitting it off with every single person.
Reminder: This isn’t just for men. If you’re a woman wanting to learn to approach — awesome! The same advice applies.
Don’t even talk to anyone
- Get out of your house. This is the first step if you have a severe case of anxiety. I’m not joking. You just need to be in an environment where you’re surrounded by people you could talk to.Take a walk outside and get some exercise. Take in the sights and look at the architecture. Go to a bar and commit to talking to no one. Just have a drink and people watch. Go to a place or event where you’d have fun no matter what — a concert, pool hall, museum exhibit, or a coffee shop to read.
- Become comfortable with eye contact and smiling. Practice making eye contact with people on the street, in shops, and at the bar until it feels natural. If they make eye contact with you, smile back at them (if you aren’t already). Try to not break eye contact until they do first.This exercise reinforces that many people will want to engage you if given the chance.
Talk to people while virtually eliminating the chance of rejection
- Greet everyone. Hold the door for someone and say hello. Walk down the street and say “How are you?”. When they respond, wish them a good day. Or even just “Good morning!” or “Nice day, isn’t it?”.You’ll see how many people walk around with serious expressions on and instantly light up when someone greets them. It makes peoples’ day to have a human connection.
- Actually talk to working people. Speak with store clerks, cashiers, bank tellers, baristas, and any other employees you meet. They generally have to be polite with you and are the safest bet to practice conversation. The goal is to get past the simple hello.Ask them about their day. Talk about the game. Make an observation of something around you (humorous or interesting). Then push yourself to hold conversation for more than a few seconds.
- Give genuine compliments. Find something you genuinely appreciate about a stranger (shirt, sunglasses, bag, scarf) and compliment them on it. Do this in passing with a confident voice and a smile.After that, you can try going up to someone and complimenting them directly. Once they acknowledge the compliment or say thank you, you can wish them well and leave the interaction.
- Set your own time limit and walk away from them. For many, their approach anxiety is not so much about the actual approach but the fear of rejection and having to maintain conversation. So let’s avoid both of those problems.Commit to leaving all your interactions after 30 seconds to a minute. For example, at a bar you can say, “I’m going to get a drink and catch up with friends. Maybe we can continue later.” During the day, “I have to get going. It was nice meeting you, have a good day!”
Be curious
- Ask functional questions. Imagine you were lost in an unfamiliar place. You probably wouldn’t feel nervous for asking someone for directions, right?. That’s because you’re not trying to get that person’s approval. But when we see someone we want to connect with, we have this mindset of “winning” that person over. Suddenly, we become terrified.So instead of having the objective to succeed, just aim to get information from people. Ask for the time. Ask for directions to somewhere like a store or train station. Get an opinion on the new Starbuck’s latte or the clothes you’re trying on at a store.If you don’t need any of these things, just fake it for now. This isn’t meant to be a long-term solution but it gives you the practice you need to move onto real approaches.
- While traveling, be a (non-annoying) tourist. This is my favorite way to make friends in new places and subsequently meet new romantic prospects. I try to avoid using the internet to plan my trip and force myself to rely on locals. This has brought me great friends and experiences in San Francisco, New York, Quebec, Dominican Republic, Aruba, and more.Ask someone where you can get the best coffee or cocktail. Ask them about the non-traditional sights you should see. Ask them where the best hiking or biking trails are. Or ask what cool events are going on during the week.Almost everyone responds warmly to this. They want to share their culture with someone who’s enthusiastic to learn about it.Often, the conversation leads to them asking about you and then inviting you to join their friends later who have activities planned. You can even subtly suggest it like, “I’d love to hang out with some fun people and get to experience the best this city has to offer.” You’ll be surprised at how many people extend an invitation.
Quiet your mental chatter in the moment
- Call out your excuses. Whenever we see someone we want to talk to, our brain feeds us lies out of fear. “They wouldn’t want to be bothered.” “She’s not my type.” or “I didn’t want to talk to her anyway.”Challenge your BS in the moment. “How do I know they don’t want to meet new people? They’re at a bar to socialize.” “I have no clue if she’s my type, I don’t even know her yet.” or “I do want to talk to her, otherwise I wouldn’t be stressing out over this.”Deconstruct your limiting beliefs and leave no room for excuses. Just…
- Admit you’re scared. If you’re still making excuses, accept you’re just afraid. Our anxieties are often worsened when we try to avoid them or fight against them.Reinforce to yourself that it’s okay to be scared. Tell yourself, “I’m just nervous and that’s okay. This is normal. Everyone feels this way and there’s nothing wrong with that.” Confidence isn’t the absence of fear, it’s taking action in spite of the fear.Relax and breathe deep. Slow your heart rate. Pull yourself out of “flight mode”. Don’t worry about going up to anyone for a few minutes. Just chill.When you’re feeling better, you can try again. Repeat as necessary. Trying to try is still progress.
- Talk to yourself in a silly voice. Another tactic for getting over your internal monologue is repeating your fears in a silly voice or accent. This can take away the intensity, get you laughing, and show your brain how absurd its’ worries are.Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that we’re just talking to someone, not going to war on the battlefield.
Have fun, play games, and bet your friends
- Put your money where your mouth is. Give a friend you trust $60 while out together. For every person you introduce yourself to, they give you $20 back. If you don’t approach, you lose your money. And you have to be serious about it.Almost every time I’ve done this with clients, they succeed. As time goes on, they become less focused on needing to approach and more focused on getting their money back.If losing $60 won’t motivate you, increase the wager to something that will.
- Challenge a friend to a game of words. Decide on a single word for both of you. Or you can pick a word for each other. Choose something funny (not vulgar) or obscure — like canoodle or firetruck.The first person who can use the chosen word in conversation, wins. You can wager a round of drinks, lunch, or anything else.For example, “Wow it’s hot. Someone needs to get a firetruck up in here!” “Aww, don’t you just want to canoodle with him?”
- Pretend to be a fictional character. Think about a “cool” TV or movie character like Don Draper. Doing this with a friend is really fun. My friend used to pretend he was John Travolta in Pulp Fiction while I acted like Hank Moody in Californication. Embody their voice, demeanor, and mannerisms.Become them for a night and go talk to people. Give yourself permission to act eccentric and fail as them. If you have an uncomfortable or awkward experience, people are dealing with the character. They aren’t rejecting you.
- Laugh your ass off. You can do this by yourself or with the help of a friend.Say the silliest stuff you can imagine in your head that makes you giggle. Act like a goofball and psych each other up. People-watch and make humorous or absurd observations about them.This isn’t to be mean-spirited but to take the seriousness out of the situation and relieve anxiety. It also helps take the person you want to meet off your pedestal.
Avoid overthinking
- Distract yourself when going out. Listen to music with headphones. Take photos of buildings and nature. Window shop. Think about what you want to make for dinner. Brainstorm ideas for your new project. Make a mental checklist of your errands for the day.I don’t want you focusing on approaching until the second you’re about to approach. Walking around thinking, “Oh god, I need to talk to people. I have to introduce myself to someone.” creates a massive amount of pressure.You already know that if you see someone you like, you’ll want to talk to them. So there’s no point in indulging in those thoughts any further.
- Follow the “yes” or “no” rule. Along with distracting yourself before approaching, I don’t want you to agonize over the approach when you see someone. Staring at someone for 10 minutes while cycling through your fears is paralyzing. Instead, we need to bypass that completely.Let me ask you, how quickly do you know you’re physically attracted to someone? Probably under a second.So while you’re out distracting yourself, you’ll notice a potential person to approach. I want you to evaluate “yes” or “no” in your head (whether or not you’re attracted to them). If yes, immediately lead with your body and just start moving in their direction. Tie the word “yes” to just taking steps.This way you won’t have enough time to make excuses and talk yourself out of it.
- Don’t approach after 3 seconds. If you see someone you want to approach and can’t after 3 seconds, walk away. It’s not a big deal. Don’t agonize over a missed opportunity. Don’t beat yourself up about being a failure. It’s demotivating and reinforces a belief of scarcity.There isn’t a finite amount of people to talk to. You just didn’t approach one person, there will be another chance 2 minutes later. Live with a mindset of abundance. Just commit to trying again with the next opportunity.
These exercises are meant to show you that no one is judging your success, only you. If you stumble or face a rejection, you aren’t losing — you’re winning. You can always take more shots.
I promise that if you stick with this for a few weeks, your anxiety will lessen dramatically and it will become manageable. Then you can move onto full approaches and connecting with new people on a deeper level.
You are not an anomaly. I’ve watched this work for hundreds of people and it will work for you. You just need to be patient and put in the effort.
